By Paul and Helen McBlain • Posted August 1, 2013

She says:

I was on our computer the other night and while looking for a web address in the history menu, I discovered some addresses that lead to websites with pornographic images. I know it had to have been Tim, since no one else but Tim and I have access to our computer. I had no idea Tim looked at this kind of thing, and it makes me wonder if this is why we’ve been having some problems recently. I feel as if he isn’t interested in me anymore because I don’t look like the women in those pictures. There’s an emotional distance between us.

 

He says:

I’ve always looked at magazines or websites like this. I mean, what normal guy hasn’t? I like the pictures and I don’t see any problem with it. I’ve never been unfaithful – my philosophy is “look, don’t touch.” I think Sue is overreacting – our marriage isn’t as romantic as it was at the beginning, but that’s because we’ve been together for a while.

 

What do they do?

Sexuality is a gift from God and should be treasured and nourished. Pornography demeans the dignity of both men and women and is a form of “spiritual infidelity.” It is an objectification of other human beings for the purpose of one’s own sexual pleasure, and the church teaches that it constitutes the grounds for serious sin.

Internet pornography is the fastest growing addiction in the United States today and can present a grave threat to their marriage. The real question is what happens now that both partners know about the issue.

Tim and Sue should begin by talking about pornography and how it impacts their marriage. It is important that this conversation happen in a confidential, accepting place and manner. A genuine dialogue with true listening by both partners is a must.

First, one partner should have the floor and the other partner needs to listen. Then the next partner should talk and the other partner should listen. Anger and disappointment may surface and can even be beneficial, if the expression is honest, open and not designed to be hurtful. Questions like, “How can we get our sexual relationship back on track?” should be asked.

Tim needs to explain what attracts him about pornography. Since men are stimulated by visual images and women by words and romance, there may be a fundamental misunderstanding about why Tim wants to look at these pictures. Sue should explain why she is uncomfortable with Tim looking at the images.

Forgiveness and understanding are the most important components of this conversation. Blame is less important than listening. Understanding of your partner can happen even if you do not agree with his or her actions. Tim and Sue need to remember that showing love and respect is the most important “to do” item on the marital agenda.

Together, Tim and Sue can develop a plan of action for re-creating some of the romance and chemistry of their early relationship; thereby lessening Tim’s feeling that he needs to rely on pornography.

Of course, Tim and Sue should also make the power of the sacrament of reconciliation a part of their healing process. It is a beautiful way to “make whole” their relationship with each other and with God.