By Deacon Paul and Helen McBlain • Marriage Matters  • Posted February 3, 2017

She says:

Ruth says: I just do not seem to be able to get back into life since I miscarried our third baby two months ago. My husband, Noah, has been most supportive. I know we have two great kids and the doctors say we should be able to have more children. I am only 30, so I am not up against my biological clock, but I just cannot shake this feeling of loss. My sister-in-law, who also suffered a miscarriage, has talked to me and that helped some, but I am still very depressed over this event.

He says:

Noah says: I am upset over our losing a baby. We have two beautiful daughters and now we lost another little baby girl. Ruth was in her sixth month when we lost our baby. We were able to hold her. The hospital staff were kind and considerate. We got a memory box and they took pictures. We mourned our baby. Our pastor kindly celebrated a Mass for our lost child and us. We buried her in our family plot with her grandpop.

It gave us some comfort to go through these rituals and to know she is back with God, but it did not seem to be able to pull Ruth out of her upset over losing the baby.

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My sister had lost a first trimester baby, and talked to Ruth, but Ruth is still very sad. I just don’t know what else to do to help her get out of this unhappy place.

I am afraid that Ruth will never be able to overcome her sadness and this will eventually affect our two daughters who now are five and seven years old.

What do they do?  

“Time heals all wounds” is an old saying. Two months is not a long time to heal from a miscarriage. Ruth may never fully get over this loss, but she can learn to live again with that little hole of loss in her life.

It will be important for Ruth to get enough rest and sleep and to eat well. She will need to heal physically to allow for emotional healing. Allow Ruth to have more grieving time.

Ruth may benefit from an online support group like Lily’s Gift (lilysgift.org), UNITE (unitegriefsupport.org) or First Candle (sidsalliance.org). Or participation in regular meetings with other women who have lost babies in a local parent bereavement group can prove very helpful (check with your maternity hospital).

Perhaps at a group session someone may say something that will touch Ruth and help her to heal. Ruth can keep a diary or a journal on how she feels on a daily basis to help her work through her emotions and feelings.

Ruth will have to maintain open communication with Noah and others in her family — even her daughters. Remember, these girls also suffered a loss, having anticipated the birth of their baby sister. It will be important to include the girls in the healing process as they may have some healing of their own to go through. Taking a little vacation or going for a family day that interests the girls may also prove effective to divert Ruth’s sadness.

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Through the Heart (throughtheheart.org) provides comfort kits to assist women in healing. Noah’s support and reaching out is vital to Ruth coming back into her full life with her family. Patience is needed in dealing with such a great loss.

Above all, Ruth and Noah should bring their hurt and grieving to the Lord to be healed. “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and there shall be no more death or mourning, wailing or pain” (Rev. 21:4).

No matter how hard Ruth and Noah, and family and friends, work to pull Ruth out of her doldrums, she will still be triggered by the sight of some mom pushing a baby carriage or hearing that friends are expecting, or seeing an “It’s a Girl” sign on a front lawn.

It may prove difficult when the expected due date of their lost child arrives each year. They should expect setbacks.

Recognizing that “God is the blessed controller of all things” (1Tim. 6:15) is a difficult but necessary ingredient in healing. So many of us have personal questions for God about losses we have experienced. Giving God total control of our lives is a difficult thing to do, but in times like these, very necessary.